


If I can't have you

by BrightBlueSkyler



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: AU without Pennywise, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Fluff, Happy Ending, Humor, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of past self harm, POV, Reddie Fluff, Reddie one shot, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Songfic, mentioned Stanbrough, mentions of past suicide attemt, reddie in love, reddie oneshot, richie plays the guitar, some pov, use of the f-slur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:06:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28568958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightBlueSkyler/pseuds/BrightBlueSkyler
Summary: Richie loved two things in this universe: Eddie, with his black, soft hair and beautiful eyes....Oh, and his guitar. All of Richie's songs were for Eddie. How about Richie sings a song for Eddie in front of the whole school. Oh and how about he confesses his love for Eddie?
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 15





	If I can't have you

Richard Tozier is an unremarkable seventeen year old. He loves collecting comics, watching movies, hanging out with his friends, swimming in the quarry and joking about mothers (especially Eddie’s). But he had one (two) secrets: he loved his guitar very much.

It's not like a big secret, it's just that he was very shy because of his voice. It was a little hoarse and it seemed to him, that he sings like a chicken. But as we said: it seemed to him.

His voice was beautiful and soothing. Like a stream in the tropics. Most often he sang at home, but in the spring and summer his choice fell on the clearings in the forest or a cliff in the quarry. There he sat and sang. For hours. Leaves and trees listened to him. They did not condemn him and were silent.

Not like people. People condemned, they were cruel. They ignored him. His father drank frequently, and when drunk he beat Richie. Therefore, Richie strongly avoided booze and drugs. In fact, he wanted to thump sometimes - to drown out sadness and anger. But he swore that he would not do it, Richie did not want to become like his father. He almost never saw his mother: she was often in clubs and also drank. In general, his parents were not happy, he had never seen them happy together. Sometimes it seemed like they got married for money. The only thing that connected them was a stamp in their passport, but they had already scored on it for a long time.

Therefore, Richie spent time better with losers or alone with the guitar in his own world, but if he heard at least some rustle, then his guitar rushed into the bushes and he himself lay down on the grass. So he was once nearly caught by Mike. Thank goodness he just found Richie sunbathing.  
Nicely? No.

After all, imagine Richie's horror if Eddie caught him playing. It would be a real disaster. The man with whom he has fallen in love since the age of nine caught him singing? Horrible! What would Eddie think! "Ugh, Richie sings like a crow! He plays so bad!"? Or maybe he would have liked ...? Although, unlikely: it's Richie-jokes-about-your-mom-Tozier!

However, Richie did not expect return of his feelings. So he will die: in lonely love, while Eds was having fun with a beautiful girl. Or will Richie come to their room? Or rather, burst in and confess to him great love. Although who is he lying to? He won't even say at gunpoint that he is gay. Fag. Faggot. Unnatural. Abnormal. Wrong. Terrible. He burns in hell, just because he doesn't like girls by nature.

Is it fair? No.

Richie got used to being wrong for a long time.  
The phase of broken glass, screaming into the pillow, cut hands, attempted suicide, crying at night has already passed. Now there were only tears in the pillow and attempts to be beaten instead of friends. It is time to face the terrible truth.

Faggot.

***

"Who will you invite to the ball?"

Eddie asked while lying on the hammock. The losers were at their underground headquarters. It was March and soon April 5th was approaching: school feast day. On this day, small children were given holidays, and senior classes - a ball. At the ball, you could dance with a friend, but usually it ware couples. Such sweet couples who portrayed a happy relationship.

They portrayed ...

\- What about you? Who do you want to go with? - Stan asked. - And who is the lucky one?

\- Nobody - Eddie waved him off - I'm asking you.

\- I haven't invited yet ...

\- Are you planning? - Beverly perked up immediately.

Stan immediately blushed and mumbled something, but Richie saved him from a worthy answer.

\- I also have to invite someone.

\- What? - Eddie shouted and immediately jumped off the hammock, stared at Richie.

However, he was not alone: everyone looked at him with open mouths.  
\- Whom? Who!  
\- What is her name?  
\- From what class?  
\- Is that Susan from the parallel?  
“No Eddie, it’s hardly her.  
\- Maybe Mia, that blonde.  
“Mia is already with Oliver from the fourth.

-So who? Eddie stared at Richie with puppy eyes. But as we already said: Richie does not admit that he is gay even at gunpoint, and puppy eyes have less effect than a gun.

\- Your mother, leave me alone.

Eddie immediately pouted his lips and fell onto the hammock. And those lips ... they must be so soft, you can kiss and suffocate. Probably the best way to die is to suffocate in a kiss. Or in an embrace ... '  
Realizing that he was staring, Richie turned away from Eddie and Eddie shrugged.

\- And I asked Bev. - Ben said after a long and awkward whisper.  
\- And she? Mike asked.  
\- I agreed - Bev smiled and kissed Ben on the cheek.  
\- What a twist! - Richie shouted and went (flew up) to Ben and Bev.  
\- Congratulations!'  
Shocked, the other losers went to congratulate them.

Richie sat down on the floor and watched the others congratulate the happy ones.  
He smiled with a forced smile. For some reason Bev looked at Richie very melancholy. And he thought and was sad: he can't do this with Eddie. Even if Eddie loved him too.

***

\- And you, Richard Tozier, want to sing at the ball?  
\- Yes, at least five songs.  
\- And you are good at it?  
\- Y-yes, I guess ...  
\- Probably? If this is your next joke, Mr. Tozier, I can't give you a place on the stage.  
“I've been playing guitar for a couple of years now, Mr. Kölln. Maybe I'm not great in sciences and languages, but at least I can do something. And that "something" is playing the guitar.  
\- I never seen you play the guitar.  
`` I'm e-embarrassed  
\- You? Don't tell me, Mr. Tozier!  
“This is not fun, Mr. Köln.  
\- ... Okay, but just one song. Do you understand me?  
\- Yes, Mr. Kölln! - Richie said with joy - I won't let you down! '

At first, Richie didn't want to do this, but then he decided to make a plan: he confesses his feelings to Eddie with the song. Just won't tell who it is dedicated to. When Eddie asks who he was singing, he will tell him what. Richie won't wait for a refusal, he will just go home. He knew that he would have to endure grins at school, he knew that he would be beaten, he knew that the losers would turn away from him, he just could not wait so long. He had loved Eddie for eight years. Eight years of tears, anguish and anger at myself. He couldn't take it anymore. Five days later, he confesses, and there is no turning back.

***

3 days later ...

Bev walked around Derry. She loved it very much in the spring.  
Derry was a beautiful town in the spring. Without all its summer mustiness, without winter frost and autumn rains. Instead, birds sing, flowers bloom, ducks are born and the whole city has a colorful bliss, and Beverly with him. Green leaves and beautiful buds hung from the tree branches. So Beverly walked for hours.

Now she had already walked for an hour and she began to approach the quarry. Warm memories washed over her. There she first met the losers. There were some of the first fond memories. Smiling, she decided that she was going to the cliff. Passing through the thin forest, she smiled even wider. The sun's rays made their way through the foliage, and the wormwood hovered before my eyes. Suddenly she heard a voice. It was so beautiful and clean that Beverly at first thought it was a forest siren. Those in the fairy tales that lured the passage, with their charming voice, then ate you ... But then she listened more carefully... It was ... Richie?

(To say that Beverly was in awe, is to say nothing)

At first, Beverly did not understand what was happening. Meaning Richie? Why Richie? Richie? What the hell!

She passed a little more and the voice became clearer. Now it was impossible to make a mistake: it was Richie.  
Already standing on the warm stone, she looked at the cliff.  
Richie was sitting there, his legs dangling over a cliff. He was sitting on a rock with his back to Beverly and a guitar in his hands. He was very much absorbed in singing and did not notice Bev behind him.

"Everything means nothing if I can't have you"

His voice was clear, but a little hoarse. His fingers moved quickly from strings to strings.

Sitting on a rock, Bev began listening to the song. He repeated it over and over. Sometimes he coughed and talked to himself, but so quietly that Bev did not hear.

And so on for minutes. Then something interesting happened: Richie stopped and already said something loudly, Bev heard him.

\- Will Eds like it? '

And Bev blurted out without thinking:  
\- Of course I will like it, you sing beautifully. '  
Richie almost threw his guitar into the water in surprise, but caught himself in time. Turning his head immediately, he saw Bev, and immediately became limp.  
\- How long have you been here?  
“Long enough to realize that you were hiding your wonderful talent from us.  
\- Wonderfull? Yes, I sing like a crow! '  
Bev frowned and walked over to Richie.  
\- You play very beautifully, “Sting” beautiful! Really cool!  
\- You think so?  
\- Of course! Eddie will love your music! '  
Richie looked down a little and looked at Bev with despair. They could understand each other without words.  
\- Richie, if you're gay ... I'm not mad at you, I don't think gays are bad. I just have to say that if you have something with Eddie…. Chee, the bowers gang…people in Derry, they'll hang you. This is Derry, man. '  
It seems that Richie was very surprised and looked at her with suspicion in his eyes.  
\- So you don't want to beat me? Say that I am a fucking fag?  
\- No, and I don't think any of the losers would tell you that. They are good guys, they do not radiate homophobic or racist: Mike is in the club, but no one offends him.  
Richie ran his hands into his curls and smiled, laughing slightly.  
\- What are you doing? - Bev asked, happy for her friend.  
\- I am glad that I have the best friends!

***

"And where the fuck is Richie? Where is that perfect idiot? - flashed through Kaspbrak's head - I am here, today I want to confess my fucking love, but he is not! Where is justice?"

The Derry High School gym had been well cleaned and washed, and there was no smell of sweat and dust in the air. Now there is the smell of lemonade (punch), candle smoke and fun. Some couples were spinning on the dance floor. They all danced to ABBA tracks and looked shyly at each other. "Oh, what is this for love!  
Then Eddie saw something  
It was a small stage.  
How to say..? Can a pair of wooden planks lying on top of each other be called a stage? And what for did they put it here? As Eddie knew, no one in their school played music, except for Kiara from the second and Adrian from the fourth, but they would not go and sing in front of the whole fucking school: neither Kiara nor Adrian could boast of their popularity. The case was exactly the opposite: Adrian and Kiara were anything but popular (still more popular that the Losers).

"And I don’t care about if Richie comes with a girl. It’s just unhealthy to keep everything in yourself, Eddie!" He chided himself. Suddenly he heard familiar voices behind him. He turned and saw the losers.

Everyone wore black suits, except for Stan, he was in a blue one. And Bill had a red tie, not a black bow tie. Beverly is wearing a short pink denim dress and black heels.

Only Richie wasn't with them…  
Was he on the dance floor, with his lady now? It couldn't be: Eddie stared at the dance floor for fifteen minutes, and Richie was not there.

\- Hi Eddie! - Mike greeted him happily. He was in high spirits thanks to the beautiful black and white Michael Jackson shoes. Mike was very fond of his music, but on the farm, his uncle despised this style. "This Jackson of yours - popular and bad taste!"

\- Hello, Mike! - Eddie said happily. - Have you seen Richie?

\- Richie? - Hanlon frowned. "No ... isn't he with some girl on the dance floor?"

\- No, I have already looked for him, but he isn’t here.  
Hanlon shrugged and walked over to the others. Beverly came to Kaspbrak. She just stood next to her, not saying anything. Then she opened her mouth.

\- He will come, do not be afraid.  
Eddie turned his head to Marsh.  
\- Who's coming?  
\- Richie. He will come. '  
She looked at the stage with a very keen look in her eyes, as if she believed that someone would appear there now.  
Then, smiling, she returned to the others. Eddie also decided to keep up, and went with her. The losers were vigorously discussing something.

-“Bill, I’m betting on five bucks, no more!  
\- Well, Ben! Five bucks is not much!  
\- Until you lose those five bucks.  
\- And I can say with absolute certainty that I will win.  
\- Five bucks! No more, no less!  
\- Okay ...deal! '  
Bill and Benn shook their hands, looking into each other's eyes.  
\- What were you arguing about? What is the bet about?’ - Eddie asked.  
“You'd better not know. You don’t want to” - Bill laughed and winked at Eddie.

This is how they passed their time. Bev and Ben went dancing together at “The Cranberries”, Stan later invited Bill (as a friend, but that is just what he said, we know that isn’t true), but they both went to the far end of the hall to dance to be careful. Mike went dancing with Cady from their class, and Eddie stared at the dance floor all the time, hoping to see Tozier. But there was no Tozier.  
Eddie didn’t see a single girl waiting for someone. After five minutes, he even started looking at the boys, and again, no one was waiting for anyone. Everyone was happy and they danced. Eddie looked like a red spot on a blue T-shirt, he was completely alone. And it is true! All singles did not count.

Suddenly the song “Police, Roxanne” stops, and the whole audience falls silent, expecting that the principal will come and give a long and boring speech to fall asleep too. But instead, someone coughed excitedly and nervously into the microphone. After that, Richie showed up from a small room. It was Richie. “Finally, Jesus Christ I thought he wouldn’t come” thought Eddie while looking at his Richie…

But it wasn’t exactly the Richie Eddie knew, no one knew this strange person that walked up to the stage. It was a different Richie. He didn't have a Hawaiian shirt or a funny knitted sweater he would wear in the winter. He was not wearing glasses that covered his cheeks and made his eyes two times bigger. He was not wearing long shorts or black jeans. There was no familiar nest in his hair. This Richie was hazy. He left the room with a very anxious look.  
He wore a red suit with underneath a black shirt and black pants. The pants were holding on to his body, thanks to the shiny belt that had a really dark shade of red. Converse sneakers, which were cleaned with, maybe the “Sketchers” cleanser that Richie had at home. His dark, soft and heavy curls were a little bit chaotic, but not that much as always. Especially his face looked different: usually the cheekbones were not visible due to the huge frame of the glasses, but now they were visible for demonstration. Freckles were also all over the nose and cheeks. And the eyes, which used to be as large as those of cartoon characters, are now smaller and hazier.  
In his hands was a lacquered guitar and a small stool. He went to the stage, put a stool on it and sat down it. The microphone was already on the stage, and Richie cleared his throat.

\- Um ... Hi, I'm Richard Tozier.  
In response, no one said anything, which confused Richie even more.

\- I will play guitar.

Richie was always confident in himself. Always. He was never embarrassed or anything like that. Eddie saw no shame in those eyes.  
But now, by some miracle, Richie Tozier stuttered in front of the entire school!

“I will play a song that I composed myself. And it is dedicated to one p-person. '

“Who are they dedicated to? Eddie frowned immediately. - What if he is now singing about some girl, and then comes to him with a confession of eternal love? How inappropriate ... “Eddie’s thoughts were interrupted by Richie's singing.

“I can't write a single song that's not about you.  
Can't drink without thinking about you  
It's too late to tell you that  
Doesn't that mean nothing if I can't get you? "

Richie. He sang. Amazing.  
Eddie loved to hear his voice joke about his mother and so on (the only reason he was patient with jokes about his mother). But it was just a head dump. And no, Eddie said this not because he loved Tozier, but because everyone thought so. The whole audience looked in shock at Richie and his guitar.  
All. Of. Them.  
Just absolutely everyone. Who would have thought that Richard Tozier could sing like that? Even Greta, Sally and Marcy looked at him in shock: the three "hottest" girls, Derry High. Although usually they didn’t pay even a slightest bit of attention to Richie, only if it was them insulting him. Though usually they considered their look to be something of a birthday present.

Even the losers' club looked with open mouths at a member of their own club.

\- Eddie, did you know that?  
\- No, from where?  
\- Did anyone know about this? Bill asked looking at the losers.  
\- Me - without a shadow of embarrassment said Beverly - just caught him playing. '  
She explained to the surprised faces.

\- "Everything means nothing if I can't have you?  
I'm so sorry that my timing's off  
But I can't move on if we're still gonna talk  
Is it wrong for me to not want half?  
I want all of you, all the strings attached "

Richie sang with such tenderness for this man, that wild jealousy woke up in Eddie.

Why did some girl deserve to be sung about her like that? Why not him? Why not Eddie? And in general, no one except Eddie knows how to properly care for Tozier.  
No one knew that he liked butterfly patches, no one knew that he needed to put 2 and a half teaspoons of sugar in his tea, no one knew that Richie smells like a cinnamon bun, no one knew that Richie likes to wrinkle his nose when he smiles, no one knows Richie has very soft hands. Can't know.  
"Or maybe someone knows, but you just don't know about it?" That irritating voice woke up in Eddie. No. Nobody except Kaspbrak knew these details.

Eddie didn't want anyone to know them. 

-I'm trying to move on  
Forget you, but I hold on  
Everything means nothing  
Everything means nothing, babe  
I'm trying to move on  
Forget you, but I hold on  
Everything means nothing if I can't have you, no

Everything, Eddie in misery, why is Richie so perfect? Why can't you be a little less beautiful? It's not that hard, is it Tozier?

-Everything means nothing if I can't have you ...

If Everything is nothing, if Richie won't have this girl ... Eddie didn't know what to do. Richie stopped singing and went out into the street under a big applause. Everyone was happy and the song “Time after time” began to play for the whole audience. Everyone slowly began to dance again and they forgot about Richie's song, but not Eddie.

Well, let that Tozier like the girl? He decided to confess completely. He will do it.

Eddie began to walk quickly toward the door. He jumped out in to the dark. The scent of grass hit Eddie and he could hear the rustle of leaves. There was a small lavender flower bed near the school, completely surrounded by trees and bushes, maybe Richie is there now. He walked to a small flower bed and went "inside." Richie was lying there. The guitar lay next to him. He looked at the stars.  
Eddie lay down next to him to look at the same stars that Richie is looking at.

\- Beautiful. - Richie said.  
\- “Yes,” the younger agreed.  
\- But you are prettier - thank God it was dark now, otherwise Tozier would have joked about Edward's red cheeks.  
And so they lay. Staring at the stars

\- Who was the song about? - Eddie turned to Richie. He turned back and randomly pushed their noses apart.

***

And God forgive me that Eddie's eyes are just the prettiest. They are as beautiful as Bambi's. He was so handsome that I just could not resist. Although it should have been. I had to confess to Eddie, but not kiss. But I could not resist the temptation. I did it.  
Closing my eyes, I touched Eds's lips with my lips. There was a fireworks and a scandal in my head. I kissed Eds! It's good.  
I kissed the boy.  
But I don't care. I didn’t just kiss some boy. I kissed Eds.

My Eds.

I expected him to recoil and say that I was a disgusting, disgusting fagot.  
He will say that I am a faggot. Fag. Sinner.

But that did not happen. He gave me a little kiss and recoiled, looking into my eyes with such tenderness and love that I was dripping.

\- For you. I love you

\- Me too.

And if being a fagot includes hugging Eds, Richie doesn't mind being the gayest fagot.

They were happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave Comments bcs I need love myself more


End file.
